Tag: healing

  • We need unconditional empathy.

    I want to talk about the world today. I feel myself getting closer to a crash out and those aren’t fun, or productive. Funny that these feelings and the intense push to share these thoughts fall on 9/11, 24 years later. I was living on LI at the time, going to homeroom in middle school. As I walked down the halls, still clueless of what happened, I saw several of my classmates running and crying. I got to my homeroom, and heard the news. They had it playing on the TV. Many of my classmates, neighbors, friends, family had relatives in those buildings. My uncle lived across the river and could see it all clearly.

    Don’t forget to ground yourself in this crazy world we’re experiencing. This week alone, on Tiktok, I witnessed the shooting of Charlie Kirk, the heartbreaking brutal stabbing of Iryna Zarutska, school shootings, revolutions, bombings, genocide, Epstein files, never-ending attack on women, POC, disabled, and people who are different, destroying of mother nature… And the only one that seems to be plastered all over the news more than any of the others is Charlie Kirk.

    I’m not celebrating Charlie Kirk’s death, but he died on the hill he created. I understand why people are saying “I have no empathy” for him, because he was a shitty person, don’t get me wrong.

    Empathy must thrive through things like this. We cannot allow ourselves to be desensitized to the state of the world today. If we all stooped to his level, there would be no empathy at all. The job of a narcissist is to make everyone as miserable as them, to bring someone at a higher level down to theirs (and unfortunately, this country is run by them). We want nothing more than for them to taste their own medicine. It leads to pettiness, anger, violence, continuing the cycle of hurt and unhealed trauma. We cannot allow that. We are the generation of breaking cycles. Turn inward, ground yourself. Be better for yourself so you can be better for those around you. Create, express, share truths with open minds, total transparency. I used to think America was a melting pot, because of all the different cultures in one country sharing beliefs and delicious food recipes. As more and more truths come out, it’s clear that we’ve been lied to and betrayed, made to believe if we followed their teachings we would be taken care of. Instead, we’re just constantly being pitted against each other (successfully so far) as they take every penny we make (we destroy our bodies and work our lives away just to be one paycheck away from homelessness) with insurance that doesn’t pay out when you need it but is required with literally everything, subscriptions, sell cheaply made things with the design to break and keep needing repair, charge for and gatekeep basic necessities, take away crucial education and basic rights, use AI to brainwash and take away boredom which is where healing, creativity and independency are developed, and slowly isolate us from the rest of the world. Yet, we are too busy fighting each other than fighting the real issue, to notice that this is happening right in front of our eyes, right. now.

    Fortunately, we are the creators of our own universe and we can choose love.

    We can choose UNCONDITIONAL empathy.

    We can choose to understand that that person you spilled your whole heart to, even hid some of the best parts of yourself away for acted out of hurt and unhealed traum. and instead of sitting with themselves, they chose to continue passing that hurt around. I’m still going to love you and hope that you one day choose to sit through your pain and be better. Instead of allowing that pain that wasn’t mine to bear in the first place to change who I am, I vow to never allow someone to influence me in a way that causes me to lose myself.

    We can choose to understand that we have to love that person from afar because they’re no good for you. Because they don’t know any better.

    We can choose to understand that Charlie Kirk was not one for the people.

    But his children and his wife, and everyone else who was at that debate, did not deserve to have that memory ingrained in their brains for the rest of their lives. You cannot condemn gun violence and celebrate it. If we ever want peace, if we are ever to break the cycle, we need to be better. period.

  • It’s the most wonderful time of the year

    It’s the -Ber months! which means fall is not far behind. Fall and winter are definitely my favorite seasons. I love spring, but summer comes way too fast after. I love cold, crisp air and wearing comfortable clothes. Feeling cozy all day without sweating. The smells, the sights… I just love it and best of all, NO MOSQUITOES!

    The heat wave is gone, my gardens and dogs are so happy with the cooler weather. Mosquitoes are still here, but more manageable. My luffa has started producing and I am so excited! I am getting more into weaving, but taking my time with this hobby because I want it to last. I tend to dive all into new hobbies and discoveries and eventually burn myself out. I want to be able to do things with this one, so I am making sure I am taking breaks when my back starts to be uncomfortable, taking breaks between works, stretching, doing other things in the meantime that still fill my inspired heart.

    I’ve been having to face the reality that I may be forced to go back to work before my body is healed. I know I can’t handle a full day of work, but insurance told me they don’t understand why I can’t work, since I’m not fully incapacitated or needing surgery. I’m trying to prevent that! Ugh. My PT and I have finally found where the pain has been stemming from, which is the usual rhomboid area. I must have pulled a muscle ~13 years ago without realizing it. We’ve been needling that spot and the pain radiating from it has been getting smaller. It’s really achey right now and I missed PT yesterday but I haven’t been doing well mentally the last few days. Today, I feel a little perkier and have a little more hope. I will have to take a little time to the side today and give myself a stretch, massage, and muscle stimulation. it’s really so simple, but why is it hard for us to do the simplest, mundane things? they’re repetitive, annoying, never-ending… like laundry and doing the dishes. ME HATES EM. but, ya gotta stay on top of them or else an anthill turns into a mountain! The saying “once you stop moving, you start dying” is so true. I may have been force to slow down, but it doesn’t mean I need to come to a full stop. I just needed to sit through and readjust some perspectives. 🙂

    Here are some of the things I managed to make in August!

  • Breaking cycles

    No matter how tired I am, I still just lie awake in bed staring at the wall or the ceiling. I forced myself to put my phone down and stop doomscrolling.

    My first thoughts were about a lover that recently was trying to reconnect after about 4 months. I stopped talking to him because we weren’t helping each other anymore. We seemed to bring the worst out of each other. I felt down about myself a lot, talking to him. He reached out needing some help, and I am always willing to lend a hand. Of course, this could’ve lead to reopening a wound I’ve been trying to close. Three years ago, I would have just jumped right back into some kind of -ship with him, as the connection between us is still very present. We’ve already tried to bring it down to platonic friendship thrice, so I made a hard decision to be honest and tell him that I don’t think I can reconnect with him.

    My first feeling after this thought?

    Loneliness and some sadness. Having to put distance between yourself and someone you love really sucks. Whether it’s a platonic or romantic relationship. I love HARD and deeply. Even if you’ve hurt me in the worst ways, I still love you. You deserve to be loved, unconditionally. But it does not mean, I should just be a doormat and empty myself with no reciprocation.

    Some people just don’t know how to perceive love, and just aren’t capable of speaking my love language. That’s okay. It just means I need to put up a boundary because it’s not worth my losing myself again just because I want to love someone. You can also love someone and not actually like them, as strange as that sounds.

    Setting boundaries for yourself, and sticking by them can get so lonely. All I want to do is love people. It’s not on me to heal them to be able to accept it, though.

    My second thought?

    This is the third person I’ve told that I don’t want to reconnect or continue talking. That’s massive for me. It’s very hard for me to turn someone away, especially someone I love. It’s even harder for me to let things and people go that mean a great deal to me, even if it’s destroying me in the process. I can’t do that to myself. I owe myself so much better. I might be lonely right now, but I am just in a dark and slow healing place.

    Like a seed!

    When the conditions are right, I will sprout and grow into the most beautiful field of flowers. Everything I desire and dream of will come to fruition and more than I can bare to imagine at this moment. The work I’m putting in now will get me there. I deserve so much more than what I have settled for in my life.

    Third thought?

    I’m so proud of myself for continuing to be breaking cycles.

    🤟🏼

  • Untangle that mess

    My mind has been so riddled with all kinds of thoughts. It’s so hard to separate them, which makes it so hard to think straight. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it just gets so LOUD in my head that I can’t hear or focus on what’s going on around me.

    I can feel it starting to manifest in my shoulders and my head/jaw. Whenever I feel like this, I think of this meme I saw and saved in August of 2022 while I was one in my lowest slumps (I just spent an hour trying to find this in my album of 1k+ saved memes and quotes that helped me haha).

    It’s a really helpful picture! Visualizing your emotions and your inner child, creating a dialogue to work out those thoughts have been a game changer. In my search for this meme, I found so many other similar visualizations that also resonate with this.

    Sitting with yourself, through that tangled mess is really hard. I have been dissociating so hard and avoiding journaling, bedrotting, doom scrolling without proper release. I haven’t been sleeping much and can’t afford to buy food I actually want to eat because my insurance is doing everything they can to not pay me. I have lost all the weight I gained (20lbs) in April/May, with probably a little more. I know this is all not helping lol so today I am going to sit and untangle this mess in my brain.

    I have recently come across a term that explains who I am as a person. Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and being able to put a name to it has helped a lot.

  • The world is a little darker…

    Over the past weekend, I learned of the passing by suicide of Mikayla Raines a week ago today. She was the founder of Save A Fox rescue. I started following her in 2016 or ’17, when she was starting up. Mikayla dedicated her life to saving these gorgeous creatures, as well as others. She was driven to ending her life by people she considered close friends and people who were documented animal abusers and other rescues. Mikayla leaves behind a husband and young daughter, along with Finnegan Fox and hundreds of other animals.

    Mikayla also was dealing with a lifelong battle of depression, BPD, and had autism. She tried to use her platform for awareness, to help others to not feel so alone. In fact, the day of her passing, she posted a long post about how she was burnt out and how people need to stop ragging on her. I am so heartbroken, as I have dealt with more bullying in my 30s than in my life. People do not understand the weight of their words. Once said, they don’t go away, they don’t go through one ear and out the other. It sticks with you and haunts you, no matter how much love you receive from the people who truly love you and want you around.

    I wish the fact, “hurt people, hurt people” wasn’t something we have to accept as reality.

    But it is.

    It’s easier to follow a lie than to face the truth. No one wants to sit with themselves and list out ways that they’re being “bad.” Being 100% honest to yourself about the things you’ve done wrong, the things you’ve said that you can’t take back, things you need to change…

    It’s not easy, but it’s necessary for healing.

    Bullying in itself is a huge problem. Cyber bullying is an epidemic and needs much, much more attention. We have young children (my nephew is 12 and niece 9), who are growing up in a cyber world and will be exposed to this. We need to be better for the future generations. I am so scared for their future and how the internet will affect their mental health and growth through the years. I will do my best to help prolong that, as their auntie.

    When I was 9 (1999), I developed a kidney disease called IgA nephropathy. One morning, I had blood in my urine and I was taken to the hospital, where I stayed for about a week. I was poked and prodded a million times, and I had to have a biopsy, which I was awake for and my dad was with me. I had to be put on steroids to fight this in the beginning, for a while. Steroids make your hair very thick and bushy. It also increases the growth on your face. I was on Livejournal at the time, and taught myself how to code. I met someone from WA who wanted me to help her. There used to be these different groups that you’d get invited to apply to join, by a friend referring you. She commented inviting me to a “hot girl” group. I applied and submitted some cute pictures. Almost every girl commented saying I looked gross, needed to shave my mustache, fix my eyebrows, etc. There were a couple of girls who stood up for me, but cyber bullying has been an issue since the beginning of the internet. I am lucky it wasn’t like it is today and I have an amazing, supportive family.

    This is the only instance I can remember from childhood. In my 30s, I have been bullied more times than I can count. When you are an honest, healed person, people do not like that and will do anything to try to tear you down. In 2021, I was bullied to the point of having to call a hotline. My best friends, or so I thought, of 3+ years turned on me and spread malicious rumors about me at work. These people nearly destroyed me and still don’t think they did anything wrong. It was a group of 6 people, and I still have to work with them despite reporting them, and an investigation being done. A year later, another coworker transfered from out of state, and started hanging out with this group. He thought it was a good idea to pull me aside and tell me that he believes the rumors, and that they are still telling them, a year and a half later. He also told me that I shouldn’t be a forklift driver because I can’t hear, and he hates to repeat himelf. He also said many other very hurtful words including how nobody likes me and I need better friends. I went out on short term for a sabbatical not long after.

    Rest in Peace, Mikayla. I’m sorry this world failed you. 💔