Imogen Healing

  • Breaking cycles

    No matter how tired I am, I still just lie awake in bed staring at the wall or the ceiling. I forced myself to put my phone down and stop doomscrolling.

    My first thoughts were about a lover that recently was trying to reconnect after about 4 months. I stopped talking to him because we weren’t helping each other anymore. We seemed to bring the worst out of each other. I felt down about myself a lot, talking to him. He reached out needing some help, and I am always willing to lend a hand. Of course, this could’ve lead to reopening a wound I’ve been trying to close. Three years ago, I would have just jumped right back into some kind of -ship with him, as the connection between us is still very present. We’ve already tried to bring it down to platonic friendship thrice, so I made a hard decision to be honest and tell him that I don’t think I can reconnect with him.

    My first feeling after this thought?

    Loneliness and some sadness. Having to put distance between yourself and someone you love really sucks. Whether it’s a platonic or romantic relationship. I love HARD and deeply. Even if you’ve hurt me in the worst ways, I still love you. You deserve to be loved, unconditionally. But it does not mean, I should just be a doormat and empty myself with no reciprocation.

    Some people just don’t know how to perceive love, and just aren’t capable of speaking my love language. That’s okay. It just means I need to put up a boundary because it’s not worth my losing myself again just because I want to love someone. You can also love someone and not actually like them, as strange as that sounds.

    Setting boundaries for yourself, and sticking by them can get so lonely. All I want to do is love people. It’s not on me to heal them to be able to accept it, though.

    My second thought?

    This is the third person I’ve told that I don’t want to reconnect or continue talking. That’s massive for me. It’s very hard for me to turn someone away, especially someone I love. It’s even harder for me to let things and people go that mean a great deal to me, even if it’s destroying me in the process. I can’t do that to myself. I owe myself so much better. I might be lonely right now, but I am just in a dark and slow healing place.

    Like a seed!

    When the conditions are right, I will sprout and grow into the most beautiful field of flowers. Everything I desire and dream of will come to fruition and more than I can bare to imagine at this moment. The work I’m putting in now will get me there. I deserve so much more than what I have settled for in my life.

    Third thought?

    I’m so proud of myself for continuing to be breaking cycles.

    🤟🏼

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  • Untangle that mess

    My mind has been so riddled with all kinds of thoughts. It’s so hard to separate them, which makes it so hard to think straight. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it just gets so LOUD in my head that I can’t hear or focus on what’s going on around me.

    I can feel it starting to manifest in my shoulders and my head/jaw. Whenever I feel like this, I think of this meme I saw and saved in August of 2022 while I was one in my lowest slumps (I just spent an hour trying to find this in my album of 1k+ saved memes and quotes that helped me haha).

    It’s a really helpful picture! Visualizing your emotions and your inner child, creating a dialogue to work out those thoughts have been a game changer. In my search for this meme, I found so many other similar visualizations that also resonate with this.

    Sitting with yourself, through that tangled mess is really hard. I have been dissociating so hard and avoiding journaling, bedrotting, doom scrolling without proper release. I haven’t been sleeping much and can’t afford to buy food I actually want to eat because my insurance is doing everything they can to not pay me. I have lost all the weight I gained (20lbs) in April/May, with probably a little more. I know this is all not helping lol so today I am going to sit and untangle this mess in my brain.

    I have recently come across a term that explains who I am as a person. Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and being able to put a name to it has helped a lot.

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  • What am I doing here?

    I’ve felt very dissociated lately. There’s so much hate and disaster happening. War, murder, kidnapping, beatings, natural disasters, bullying, destruction of mother nature, etc.

    It has been 3 months since I have been at work. I still can’t do much physically, as I’m still on full upper body restrictions. Most days now the pain is minimal, until I start doing things and moving around. My outlets are all physical and I don’t know what to do now. I feel lame. I know this is a period for rest and healing, and it’ll take some time, but I’m stressed out. I feel trapped.

    What am I doing here?

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  • “Gotta have the lows to appreciate the highs”

    A friend I met in college once said this to me. It pops in my head when I find myself in the lows. We wouldn’t truly be able to appreciate where we are in the good times, if we didn’t know what it meant to be on the opposite side. The work and journey it takes to get there makes it all much sweeter. In an instant gratification world, it’s hard to keep that sense of gratitude without constantly checking in with yourself.

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  • The world is a little darker…

    Over the past weekend, I learned of the passing by suicide of Mikayla Raines a week ago today. She was the founder of Save A Fox rescue. I started following her in 2016 or ’17, when she was starting up. Mikayla dedicated her life to saving these gorgeous creatures, as well as others. She was driven to ending her life by people she considered close friends and people who were documented animal abusers and other rescues. Mikayla leaves behind a husband and young daughter, along with Finnegan Fox and hundreds of other animals.

    Mikayla also was dealing with a lifelong battle of depression, BPD, and had autism. She tried to use her platform for awareness, to help others to not feel so alone. In fact, the day of her passing, she posted a long post about how she was burnt out and how people need to stop ragging on her. I am so heartbroken, as I have dealt with more bullying in my 30s than in my life. People do not understand the weight of their words. Once said, they don’t go away, they don’t go through one ear and out the other. It sticks with you and haunts you, no matter how much love you receive from the people who truly love you and want you around.

    I wish the fact, “hurt people, hurt people” wasn’t something we have to accept as reality.

    But it is.

    It’s easier to follow a lie than to face the truth. No one wants to sit with themselves and list out ways that they’re being “bad.” Being 100% honest to yourself about the things you’ve done wrong, the things you’ve said that you can’t take back, things you need to change…

    It’s not easy, but it’s necessary for healing.

    Bullying in itself is a huge problem. Cyber bullying is an epidemic and needs much, much more attention. We have young children (my nephew is 12 and niece 9), who are growing up in a cyber world and will be exposed to this. We need to be better for the future generations. I am so scared for their future and how the internet will affect their mental health and growth through the years. I will do my best to help prolong that, as their auntie.

    When I was 9 (1999), I developed a kidney disease called IgA nephropathy. One morning, I had blood in my urine and I was taken to the hospital, where I stayed for about a week. I was poked and prodded a million times, and I had to have a biopsy, which I was awake for and my dad was with me. I had to be put on steroids to fight this in the beginning, for a while. Steroids make your hair very thick and bushy. It also increases the growth on your face. I was on Livejournal at the time, and taught myself how to code. I met someone from WA who wanted me to help her. There used to be these different groups that you’d get invited to apply to join, by a friend referring you. She commented inviting me to a “hot girl” group. I applied and submitted some cute pictures. Almost every girl commented saying I looked gross, needed to shave my mustache, fix my eyebrows, etc. There were a couple of girls who stood up for me, but cyber bullying has been an issue since the beginning of the internet. I am lucky it wasn’t like it is today and I have an amazing, supportive family.

    This is the only instance I can remember from childhood. In my 30s, I have been bullied more times than I can count. When you are an honest, healed person, people do not like that and will do anything to try to tear you down. In 2021, I was bullied to the point of having to call a hotline. My best friends, or so I thought, of 3+ years turned on me and spread malicious rumors about me at work. These people nearly destroyed me and still don’t think they did anything wrong. It was a group of 6 people, and I still have to work with them despite reporting them, and an investigation being done. A year later, another coworker transfered from out of state, and started hanging out with this group. He thought it was a good idea to pull me aside and tell me that he believes the rumors, and that they are still telling them, a year and a half later. He also told me that I shouldn’t be a forklift driver because I can’t hear, and he hates to repeat himelf. He also said many other very hurtful words including how nobody likes me and I need better friends. I went out on short term for a sabbatical not long after.

    Rest in Peace, Mikayla. I’m sorry this world failed you. 💔

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